For those times when SDS sets in................................
(with apologies to the inventors)

**'The Cloud'**

initially The Cloud was found on the BoM forecast!!!!!!  after that - it got around some!

BUREAU OF METEOROLOGY

SOUTHERN TABLELANDS
Thursday
A cloud gradually increasing with a shower or two developing. Fresh and gusty northwest to west winds strong at times turning cool southwesterly. I wonder which cloud, not any the ones I could see.

Michael

Come on Michael, didn't you see The cloud. I mean It was The cloud that the bom spoke about. You should show more respect when they talk about The cloud.
Cloudlessly
Shaun


Shaun, that was a brilliant observation of yours - how did you work out which cloud was The Cloud???? - and where did it go after you saw it? Maybe we should all keep our eyes open for signs of The Cloud lurking in our area!!! - maybe a brief description on a WANTED page is the go!!

Jane

If the BoM said there was a cloud, then there is only one cloud,which makes it The cloud. I am humbled in the presence of The cloud. Our cloud, who art in......
Reverently
Shaun
P.S. It went and got some friends.

I thought I saw The Cloud today, got my autograph book out ready for it and all. But it turned out to be just his cousin visiting Melbourne on business.
Chris

Visited Brisbane today too briefly, f&^#*@g unbelieveble. Sure gets around.
John

I went outside this arvo to see if by chance The Cloud had visited us here in Honkers, but the NE monsoon was blowing very hard (Monsoon Signal hoisted), the sun was shining steadily and there was not the slightest whisker of a cloud - not even The Cloud - to be seen anywhere. Winter has truly arrived at last.
Phil

...and many months later.........we pick up the action again.....

When is 'the cloud' coming back from its backpacking trip o/s?
Rune

Rune, "the cloud" is right over our place at the moment.  We have had more than a metre of rain this month setting a new all-time record, and it hasn't stopped raining all night and is still pouring down outside now.
Phil

Phil,
Please stop being hospitable to the cloud. It has been away from home far too long and Australia is getting worried for it's welfare, we miss it very much.  And tell it no stop-overs in Bangkok this time,..we want it functioning properly this spring/summer :)

Rune

I think we need the cloud sooner than that! Just had the driest June here since 1962 at 3.8mm (2.0 equal with 1953).
Keith

...to be continued.....


In Victoria, we get drizzle patches & occasional tornadoes.....

a memorable quote from the 2000 ASWA AGM


From the late morning update........
SOUTHERN TABLELANDS
Thursday
A cloud gradually increasing with a shower or two developing. Fresh and gusty northwest to west winds strong at times turning cool southwesterly.
I wonder which cloud, not any the ones I could see.

BoM forecaster one morning on Melbourne ABC radio came up with this gem when the radio announcer asked what the weather would be like tonight, there was a short silence, and the response "well, ...ur,... the sun will go down........" and more silence.  The radio announcer prompted with "yes, I know that......." and was rewarded with"...aaah, it should be fine..."

PLACES THERE COULD NEVER BE A SIGNIFICANT TORNADO BECAUSE THE NAME WOULD SOUND TOO DUMB

The Goonoo Goonoo guster. ( Goonoo Goonoo near Tamworth )
The Wee Waa wedge
The Texas tornado ( Texas, Queensland )
The Frogmore funnel ( Frogmore is near Crookwell )
The Scone supercell
The Harden hailstorm ( Harden, SW slopes, NSW )
The Curl Curl twister
The Sandfly supercell
The Coldstream supercell ( somewhere in Victoria )
The Downer downburst ( Downer a suburb of Canberra )
The Deepwater HP ( Deepwater - a delightful town just north of Glen Innes )
The Walla Walla willy willy ( Walla Walla is near Albury, NSW )
The Lilli Pilli LP

Courtesy of Michael Thompson (ASWA -  NSW)


a BoM spokesperson on ABC radio during July in Melbourne, issued this little gem......

"not much is happening this weekend. Not much wind, not much rain, not much sun...everyone should forget about the weather and go and do something else......"



Subject: Perpetual Motion
---------------------------------------------------
When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands buttered side down.

Therefore, if a slice of toast is strapped to a cat's back, buttered side up, and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast-laden felines were used, they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system.
__________________________________________________

.......this mail got the following reply from one of the recipients

___________________________________________________

I've been thinking about this cat/toast business for a while. In the buttered toast case, it's the butter that causes it to land buttered side down - it doesn't have to be toast, the theory works equally well with Jacob's crackers. So to save money you just miss out the toast - and butter the cats. Also, should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter, there are other substances that have a stronger affinity for carpet.

Probability of carpet impact is determined by the following simple formula:
p = s * t(t)/tc
where
* 'p' is the probability of carpet impact
* 's' is the "stain" value of the toast-covering substance - an indicator of the effectiveness of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high 's' value, while the 's' value of water is zero.
* 'tc' and 't(t)' indicate the tone of the carpet and topping - the value of 'p' being strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and topping, as even chicken tikka masala won't cause a permanent and obvious stain if the carpet is the same colour.

So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use chicken tikka masala and a white carpet - in fact this combination gives a 'p' value of 1, which is the same as the probability of a cat landing on its feet.

Therefore a cat with chicken tikka masala on its back will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat, causing a terrible monorail crash resulting in nauseating images of members of the royal family visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn't have happened if their party was in power as there would have been more investment in cat-toast glue research.

Therefore it is in the interests not only of public safety but also public sanity if the buttered toast on cats idea is scrapped, to be replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with chicken tikka masala floating above a rail made from white shag pile carpet.

Please feel free to blame this addition on a frustrated stormchaser in Bendigo....


There is one thing to keep in mind when you get a really bad case of SDS ....

IT'S NOT ***THAT*** BAD - IT WILL CHANGE - JUST THINK OF THIS PLACE AND YOU'LL INSTANTLY FEEL BETTER......

Think about the folk in Calama, slightly inland from Arica, in Northern Chile. They had a thunderstormon 10 February 1972 -
which brough the first rain to the region for an estimated 400 years, going on the surface deposits of the sodium nitrate. They had 0.2 mm again in 1989 but otherwise nothing since although thin strato - Cu is quite common.
There's always someone worse off than you.

Don White


SEVERE BULLSHIT WARNING

Issued at 1630 Thursday 3rd February 2000

Severe bullshit has been observed in the Melbourne area during the last hour.

Bullshit is expected to continue in the vicinity of the Victorian electricity industry for the remainder of this evening.

This bullshit may be accompanied by buck-passing, political grandstanding and outright lies.

The areas covered by this warning include:
XXXXX
The electricity distribution companies
The State Government
The State Opposition
The Federal Government
The Energy Production Company
The Union

People encountering outbreaks of bullshit are advised to ignore it.

Submitted by someone, whose name I don't remember .... names have been changed to protect the gutless - ie: me.....


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Here in Queensland, I have done further research into Supercell Deprivation Syndrome. I have outlined four different types (or acronyms), of SDS.

The first, least severe is: Supercell Deprivation Syndrome - if you're only supercell deprived, it can't be that bad!

Second, is: Storm Deprivation Syndrome - this is when you have no storms, let alone a supercell! It is at this stage when things start getting serious.

Third, is: Summer Deprivation Syndrome - this is when you don't have summer, let alone storms, let alone a supercell! You commence abnormal behaviour after this (if chasing after storms isn't abnormal enough!)

Four, and most serious is: Spormer Deprivation Syndrome - Where spormer is a 5th season that occurs from October 16 to January 15. Spormer is derived from Spring + Storms + Summer. This is when, not only do you not get storms that occur in the Spormer Season (ie supercells), but you don't get storms, you don't get spring, and summer has disappeared off somewhere, never to be found again until the next year! During Spormer Deprivation Syndrome, you get excited over a large Cu, or a puddle that forms during a moderate shower, or that little white spec on the satpics that *could* be a 20,000ft storm 600km away to your SW that *could* intensify as it reaches you in your +10 LI environment, or that coastal Cb 200km out to sea that *could* intensity into such a left moving supercell, it'll actually move towards the coast. I do not believe it is a coincidence that all of these have the 3 same initials of SDS!

What am I suffering from? Spormer Deprivation Syndrome!! And BADLY!!!

Another bout of throwing ice cubes on the roof this afternoon...

Anthony Cornelius (ASWA - Queensland)


TOP PRIORITY
BECAREFUL WARNING
ISSUED BY ********** AT 9:00PM
Tuesday, 04/01/2000

*** THE SIREN IS NOT TO BE USED WITH THIS WARNING, AS IT MAY DISTURB OUR SLEEP ***

We are asleep at the moment, so the ******** advises the residents becareful,
and produce their own forecasts and warnings until we wake up.

The next warning will be issued at 11am, Friday the 7th of January, 2001.

This warning is NOT to be broadcasted to interrupt the cricket.

Submitted in secret by someone who didn't want to be identified.


Sunday, January 23, 2000
STORM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD

Melbourne Storm have thrashed English champions St Helens 44-6 in Wigan, England this morning to be crowned World Club Champions.

Storm were on fire early and were never threatened as they joined the Brisbane Broncos as the only Australian winners of the World Club Challenge.

Aaron Moule got the Storm off to a fast start scoring in the corner after only 10 minutes. This was followed up by prop Wayne Evans who touched down soon after and with new kicker Brad Watts converting, Storm had the advantage 10-0.

Submitted by Dean & Margit McFarlane


FROM OUR OWN CORRESPONDENT IN THE UK.......

An F5 / T10 "mini - tornado" ripped through 14, Laburnum Avenue, Wallsend at approximately 1000GMT on Saturday, December 25. An eyewitness said "The devastation was incredible, it was almost like being in the middle of a tornado, there were bits of paper flying everywhere". The strange red / gold coloured tornado was last observed heading NE, and was lost on Doppler radar several seconds later.

Meteorologists from the UK Meteorological Office and the Australian Bureau of Meteorology reportedly said "this is one of the worst collections of cells that I've seen on radar for a long time" It is estimated that it will take many man - hours to clean up the damage.

...and New Year...


'Twas the night before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas
and from the Gulf to North Dakota
not a camera was stirring
not even a Minolta

The film supply was stashed
in the cooler with care
In hopes that 'St. Cumulonimbolas'
soon would be there

The storm chasers were all nestled
snug in their beds,
while visions of CG's
danced in their heads

Since nothing outside
would be breaking the cap,
I finally settled down
for a long winter's nap.

When out in the sky
there arose such a clatter
I sprang to my feet-
I knew what was the matter!

Outside with the camera I ran with a dash-
As I opened the shutter I exclaimed,
"There's a flash!"

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a bright flash of light
that was really quite near.

Though often this old camera's
shutter would stick,
Oh dear! Nothing appropriate rhymes
with 'would stick'......

Well, back to reality I now must return
'cause SSDS makes the imagination burn

"Face it- it's winter"
I said with a chuckle,
The only sparks around here
will be doorknob-to-knuckle

So I'll really settle down
f
or a long winter's nap
I'll need all this sleep
for spring's first thunderclap......

courtesy  Dan Robinson


Listening to the weather forecast & discussion on a certain ABC radio station in Melbourne this morning.....

BoM spokesperson: "Today will be fine with a maximum of 20C."

The well known announcer queried: "How come you're only expecting 20C considering it'll be sunny all day?"

BoM spokesperson cheerfully announced: "I can't see any problems with it getting to 22 or 23C."....followed by a reiteration that the forecast maximum will be 20C.

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

Update (the next morning, the same players)

Announcer : "and what did the temperature get to yesterday?"

BoM spokesperson (nonchalantly) : "Oh, it got to 23C.  We punted that one up nicely."

Submitted by someone 18th  & 19th November 1999 - there's always someone listening out there.........


"fine & toasty"????  what the heck does that mean?????......................................

Friday October 29 in 'The Australian' newspaper's Weather page (p16) in the section for New Zealand weather:-

The outlook for New Zealand for Saturday 30th October: Fine apart from cloudy periods in the west of the North Island, but fine & toasty in the east.  Fairly cloudy over the South Island with rain in the west & some showers in the east. Northwesterlies for most people..........(depending on how flatulent you are)

Submitted by Clyve Herbert


"Notes on the Chart and Expected Developments (Friday April 18, 2003): Looks like the weather pattern is taking a bit of an Easter holiday. "

Submitted by Jane ONeill


Courtesy "Cairns Post" - submitted by Margit & Dean McFarlane (Palm Cove, Qld)


A new forecasting index has just hit the streets in Australia.......

DISASTER IMMINENT LOCATION INDEX ( D.I.L)

METHOD

A.  Calculate distance tornado is from you.

B.  Calculate distance to your car (or your chase partner's car - whichever is closer)

C.  Calculate maximum running speed to car

D.  Calculate speed tornado is approaching...........   therefore,

...if POSITIVE: Run for car, or chase partner's car - if they are slow, tell them to keep filming...

...if NEGATIVE: Place your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye.

Courtesy Clyve Herbert (ASWA Victoria - 1999)


Tornado Action Guide

Upon spotting a tornado it is imperative that you follow this action guide, it could mean the difference between life or death.**

a) The moment you spot a tornado, quickly collect your camera and photograph it. During a
thunderstorm, it can be very helpful if you are prepared. Always have your camera close to you at ALL times during or near any thunderstorm. NB: If the tornado is within 20m of range, you may wish to refer to (b) first.

b) Run for shelter and pray hard! Useful areas can be:
- in the toilet
- underground (beware of 'Twister Tornadoes' (TT's) these can suck you out from underground
shelters
- small wooden sheds (these are especially useful for F5 TT's where being speared to death by debris is not a hazard. Ensure that you tie yourself to a fixed item (ie pipes), don't worry, even though you'll have 500km/h winds pulling at you, you will not be torn apart.
- 4WD's do not get lifted up by F3 or lesser TT's, they only spin your car around. Beware of flying cars that could dent your bullbar.

Please take note: Do NOT take shelter near:
- cows; they have a tendency to be sucked into tornadoes
- where everyone else is taking shelter, TT's have the special ability to detect where everyone is taking shelter, and consequently will 'throw' all its debris onto this area.

c) Most importantly, if you take a photo of the tornado, protect the camera with parts of your body (eg, head or chest) Ensure that you hold onto your camera extremely tightly, you may use one hand to cover your head if you start getting hit by too much debris.

d) If you get sucked into the tornado, with your camera, be sure to take plenty of shots from inside the funnel, as this will help with scientific research on the motions of tornadoes.

e) Beware of airborne cows in the tornado.

f) Beware of any airborne debris (if it is a 'TT' disregard this point) - not only could it damage, or destroy your camera, but you could also inadvertently be injured, and will be unfit to hold the camera firmly.

g) Beware of cows shitting in the tornado, these could ruin your camera lens.

h) Beware of F5's suddenly collapsing from beneath you without roping out and weakening first. Should this happen, use your body as a cushion to absorb the impact of the collision. This will protect the camera.

If you are in Australia, please disregard this guide, as Australia only has "mini-tornadoes." Should there ever be a "maxi-tornado" then you still won't know about it, so don't worry about them.

** If you survive the tornado, but a) did not take photo's, b) did take photo's, but then the camera was misplaced, lost, damaged or destroyed - then you may have well died in the tornado,and once I'm through with you, you will wish you had!!!

Courtesy Anthony Cornelius (ASWA  Queensland - 1999)


 

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Can anyone out there relate to this?????

Courtesy Anita Jeram
Reprinted from the TWO BAD MICE  greeting card series (M20)


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Courtesy Sunday Herald Sun

 

Today's Clothing Index:

Stay inside by the fire.

Courtesy The Sunday Age - 24/8/97

Bugger off ad nauseum

The Advertising Standards Board has dismissed complaints against three popular ads - the Toyota ute-owning farmer who says "bugger" when things go wrong; the one where the hospital patient has had his jaw enlarged so that he can consume more chips; and the copulating snails who help sell mineral water.

The bugger ad is not degrading to rural people and does not imply cruelty to animals.  Use of the word "bugger" is innocuous and widely used in the community, the ASB sages decided.  The thin chips as is "contextual humour" and does not make fun of people with jaw abnormalities. And little children are not likely to ask awkward questions about what the snails are up to.

The complainants were not asked to get a life.

Courtesy - Weekend Australian May 22-23, 1999

Faux pas, bon mots and freudian slips.....

Excerpts from Roger Edward's compilation of "colorful" (sic) text products from the NWS in the States......

***********************************************************************************************************************

ANOTHER QUIET MORNING IN THE MET WASTELAND

AFTERNOON HEAT INDEX VALUES FROM 105 TO 1125 DEGREES EXPECTED.....

THE     (that was the whole product - - just the word THE)

SUNNY SKY AND LIGHT WIND MAKES FOR A GOOD AFTERNOON TO RAKE LEAVES OR WHATEVER.

THE OBSERVER HAS LOCKED HIMSELF OUT OF THE OFFICE AND CANNOT LOCATE A KEY.  OBSERVATIONS WILL BE RESUMED AS SOON AS THE OFFICE IS OPENED.

DISC: IT'S 9.30PM...DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR CAR IS?

WELL...FCST A FLD YESTERDAY AND IT WAS DRY...FCST NO SNOW LAST NIGHT AND IT SNOWED...SO IF YOU IGNORE THIS DISCUSSION AND TRASH IT I'LL UNDERSTAND.

ONE HUMONGOUS UGLY THUNDERSTORM WITH CONTUS LTG 7MI E MOVG S.  CAN SEE THE HAIL IN IT FROM HERE.

AMERICA IS A GREAT COUNTRY.  BUT ANY CLAIMS TO ALTERING THE MOTIONS OF CELESTIAL BODIES IS A BIT TOO MUCH.  EVEN ATMOSPHERIC PHENOMENA IS BEYOND OUR CONTROL...WHICH IS WHY THE WEATHER SERVICE WILL CONTINUE TO BUST FORECASTS FROM TIME TO TIME.

USING LATEST FCST TECHNIQUES WE CALCULATE THE BACK EDGE OF THE CLDS IS MOVG SE AT EXACTLY ONE ERASER-HEAD PER 5 1/2 HRS.

SKYWARN OBSERVER IN THE TOWN OF RIPLEY MEASURED HAIL DENSITY AT 86 PIECES PER SQUARE FOOT.

 

**'The Cloud'**  (the saga continues....)

There have been a number of sightings of the cloud during the past 12 months, with the most recent showing 'The Cloud' being towed back home ........

cloudstowingt.jpg (6812 bytes)

 

Submitted by Chas Osborn (N Victoria)

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...and to top it all off...... with thanks to the Weatherzone members for finding this

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Not-so-seriously updated 11th July 2004 - J ONeill

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